Bret Calvert

I had never before cried at the passing of a celebrity. Not even Carlin. Yesterday I wept. If you had asked me to guess a celebrity whose death would cause me to shed tears…I would never have thought to mention him. He’s never been my favorite actor, even though I still think that Michael Douglas’ Oscar for Wall Street remains one of the largest travesties in the history of that award…Morgan Freeman or Robin Williams should have walked out of there with the trophy that night…I’m still a little mad at the president of show-business about that. Regardless, I never would mention him in the list of my favorites…it just wouldn’t have occurred to me…but there I was…sitting at a desk in a temporary office with a person I’d known for 5 hours…trying to hold back genuine tears. I was surprised…not only at his death but at my reaction. I didn’t know I would care…until I suddenly knew it all too well.

To be perfectly honest, the manner of his death isn’t what moved me. Yes, I have been personally affected by suicide before and have spent many years trying to sort out my guilt, anger and sadness. It’s a very personal and sensitive issue with me…but that wasn’t what struck me.

I will not take the same approach as some others recalling Williams over the past day have taken…I will not pretend to know the suffering of an individual. I won’t try to comprehend his feelings or suggest in any way that I know what he should have done. I won’t be asinine enough to suggest it could have been as simple as Williams just making a different choice. (I’m looking at you, Matt Walsh, you f**king Ann-Coulter wanna-be. How can you rightfully admit that you can’t comprehend his state of mind…and then try to suggest what he should have done differently? Truths my ass, jerk. PS- this tirade is meant for Matt Walsh the blogger. I hold the good Matt Walsh, the guy on Veep, in very high esteem.)

I have not been depressed. Having known and loved a handful of people who fight with the disease in no way makes me an expert or anywhere close to worthy of handing out advice on the subject. I wouldn’t even say that I can offer any real helpful thoughts to other survivors who have lost someone they care about…my situation was unique…as I’m sure yours is. It’s such a devastating and personal experience that I think it would be arrogant of me to assume my conclusions about myself would apply to you. The armchair psychiatrists will be out in force in the next couple of days. Please know that they all mean well (except Walsh) and take their words for what they are…a viewpoint on a condition that is impossible to understand, even by those who live through it. Of all the things you will read from those trying to offer comfort and insight through discussions of depression…only one sentiment will be universal…only one piece of advice should be taken to heart by anyone who can read it…

If you need help or if you feel hopeless…talk to someone. Call the hotline number that’s been tweeted and posted a million times today. If you’re not up for that, talk to someone…anyone. If all else fails…call me. Sincerely. Reaching out is the only action suggested by anyone in discussion of this subject that I endorse 100%.

I knew immediately that the cause was not the trigger of my emotions…but I didn’t know immediately what was. The Fisher King has always been one of my two favorite movies (Raising Arizona) but just losing a guy who was in a movie I loved didn’t seem like enough to warrant this reaction. So, I started to think about Dead Poets…I could see Ethan Hawke’s face as he stood on his desk and called out to his Captain. Then I really lost it. I realized how many times I’d seen Good Morning Vietnam…how familiar I was with the dialogue. I thought about him talking to those soldiers on the truck…or trying desperately to be funny while his heart was breaking after the bombing at the Saigon bar. Role after role dawned on me…one by one. The legacy of his characters lined up before me and I was astounded at its sheer breadth.

Then I remembered listening to him do Elmer Fudd singing Bruce Springsteen on a Comic Relief cassette tape my brother had. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vT-VaMXsAw) I remembered his Dr. Ruth impression…his voiceover of the Pecos Bill story on some old kid’s special. I remembered the Genie. I remembered the guy who ached to catch a pass from Kurt Russell…who just knew his whole life would have been different if he had just caught that damn ball. They just kept lining up.

I had no comprehension of the effect the man had on me…the number of lines and deliveries that I repeated almost daily…practically having forgotten where they came from…the way these notions had ingrained themselves into my psyche, to the point where they weren’t just funny things I remembered…but were a part of my personality. I suppose the word for that…is influence.

His comedy routines were the foundation script for my time as a class clown. His manic energy was the blueprint for my time as a professional improviser. His ability of his characters to make the unbearable funny…are still whispers in my ear when I write.

I’m not trying to say that I am his biggest fan…or retroactively call him my hero…or any other number of things that people tend to do when someone respected passes away. He has bigger fans…I have other heroes. I just find it fascinating how much he actually had to do with fashioning my sense of humor and my view of the world…and how readily I accepted his characters as fact…and took their thoughts to heart. There is more Robin Williams in me than I knew.

I also love the fact that every single person who ever worked with or met the man has some sort of warm story about the size of his heart…about how he engaged others he came in contact with…how much he truly cared. It’s pretty easy for a genius to be a dick…and by all accounts, he never was. I never had the pleasure of meeting Robin Williams…but it does my heart good to hear that the experience was constantly positive. More gifts for the world.

I’ve seen all the retrospectives today…everyone has a list of his best scenes or most memorable moments or things you may not have known or interesting quotes. I hope they are enjoyed and cherished by as many people as possible today. …but I’m not trying to get clicks. I have nothing to advertise. I’m just here to tell my little stories. So, here is a list of Robin Williams’ work that meant something to me. I’m not saying any are the best…or trying to start a fun debate…I’m just sharing. I’m sure your list will be different…lord knows we have a lot to choose from. Gifts.

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MORK AND MINDY

I was born the year that Mork met Fonzie…and only a year old when he moved to Boulder. I remember this show as something my brother really liked. If I’m not mistaken, he even went as Mork for one Halloween AND had a pair of those awesome rainbow suspenders. My memory is fuzzy, but I do recall knowing there was a silly alien man on TV that everyone loved. I knew the phrases “nanu nanu” and “shazbot” were funny…I just couldn’t tell you why.

POPEYE

I have said for years that this movie was just a stone’s throw away from being a classic. I honestly believe that if the songs were a little more lyrically mature and catchy, Popeye would be remembered entirely differently. My brother will still occasionally bust out into a refrain of “He’s Large” …now it’s funny because it was so awful…but again, I think the songs were the Achilles heel of an otherwise entertaining movie. I remember being impressed as a kid by the grand scope of the sets and the way the actors made the cartoons come to life. Having watched it many times since, I am no less impressed with Williams’ performance. He didn’t just do an impression of Popeye…he became him. I knew enough of Mork to know that the vast difference between the two characters was quite a feat for an actor…one he would repeat many times over. The highlight for me was his hushed, muttered asides…perfectly reminiscent of the cartoon character and the funniest parts of the film. This was the first time I was aware that characters could jump from one medium to another…it was ambitious, to say the least…and I’ve always thought they pulled it off…except for those terrible songs.

FAERIE TALE THEATER – THE FROG PRINCE

I was 5 at the time and Shelley Duvall’s Faerie Tale Theater was my favorite show. I still remember Jeff Bridges in Rapunzel and the absolutely horrifying Rumplestiltskin…who I’m pretty sure was Billy Barty…but it’s Williams’ turn as the frog prince that stayed with me. (Although, I totally had nightmares about the swordfight he had versus the scorpion. Kinda creepy) At this point, I was sure I was going to be an actor when I grew up…just ask my Kindergarten teacher. I was just starting to understand the concept of roles. I was blown away by how the same guy got to be an alien, Popeye, a frog and a prince. How could anyone ask for a better job than that???

MOSCOW ON THE HUDSON

I didn’t see this film until much later in my life…but I adore it. Such a subdued, calmly melancholy performance by Williams. He balances heartbreaking loneliness with a vehement optimism so wonderfully. Considering it was during the height of the cold war, his ability to make an American audience sympathize with a Russian was no small feat. Perhaps the fact that most of America was already in love with Williams helped…but is still a moving and nuanced performance that is too often overlooked.

GOOD MORNING VIETNAM

Of course. No list would be complete without this film. I was ten when it came out…so I didn’t really get it at first…but it was one of the first VHS tapes we owned and I must have watched it 3 dozen times before I turned 18. It was the first attempt that I recall to harness his free-flowing energy as a comedian into a movie role. Entire blocks were dedicated to his hyper-active stage persona…but it never took anything away from the character. We recognized Robin inside Adrian Cronauer…but never stopped buying it. I think this might have been our first glimpse of what it was like for him as a performer. When the microphone was on…he was fiercely dedicated to the art of having fun…but once the show was over, he was a whole person again…not just a caricature designed to entertain. He felt fear and loss and anger and defiance…all while maintaining his affability but not being the same clown as he was on the air. As I mentioned before, the two scenes that stand out are when he attempts to do his broadcast after the bar was bombed and when he is talking to the soldiers on the back of a truck. In both scenes, he is attempting to entertain while his heart is breaking and he utterly nails it. Stellar performances by Bruno Kirby and J.T. Walsh compliment him perfectly. Even though this was less of an actual retelling of the events of Cronauer’s life and more of a “Robin Williams Goes to War” it is paced and performed beautifully. The country becomes an integral character and Williams becomes a war hero without firing a single shot. This was the first of several Williams’ movie posters I would have in my room.

DEAD POETS SOCIETY

I remember the trip to the theater to see this film vividly…mainly because it became a point of contention in my family and remains so to this day. You see, during the incredibly dramatic scene when Robert Sean Leonard sneaks into his father’s office and reaches into one of the desk drawers…I turned to my brother and SILENTLY made my fingers into the shape of a gun…as if to say “oh shit…I think he’s getting a gun.” Please note that I highlighted the word “silently” because I did not make a sound. However, my play-cousin, Courtney, saw my gun fingers and cried out “bang” just at the moment he shot himself. You never hear the gunshot on screen…only from Courtney. My brother and my “Uncle” John gave me hell about it for years…how I ruined the most dramatic scene by making gunshot noises. I tried for years to explain that it wasn’t me…but they never believed me. I was in my 30s before Courtney confessed to me that it was her…but she has yet to clear my name with Todd or John. I think my obsessive need for everyone to be completely silent in the movie theater comes from the shame that was unjustly heaped on me for that moment. I am lovingly peeved about it to this day.

With that being said, this is another obvious movie for this list. Williams is sensational. The thing that struck me immediately was the character’s love for teaching. In too many funny-teacher-changed-my-life movies, the teacher in question would rather be an actor or a comic or a magician or whatever and just takes the teaching gig to make ends meet and discovers a love for it. Not so in this film. John Keating’s passion for education and poetry is palpable…and even when Williams’ own personality peeks through (his John Wayne and Marlon Brando impressions) we never lose sight of Keating and what he is trying to accomplish with those boys. It’s no wonder that we subconsciously attribute so many of the wonderful quotes from this film to Williams himself. In the wake of his death, we’ve seen post after post reminding us to seize the day, heed Whitman’s advice and look at the world differently. He reminded us all of someone who touched our lives in our youth and did it with such earnest love for his students that the line between actor and character was almost imperceptible. True, he pulled off this same feat in Good Morning, Vietnam…but there were no histrionics or aimless comedy bits…he wasn’t playing a comedian stuck in a war zone…he was playing a teacher. Every line had a purpose and every beat had a lesson.

AWAKENINGS

DeNiro was great…but this was Williams’ movie. Nowhere to be found are the antics or wildly comedic interludes that marked many of his other films. He is a man of science and quiet desperation. He is so deeply eager to help and achieve that we feel more sorry for him when DeNiro goes back into his vegetative state. Of course, we want DeNiro to live his life…but we want Williams to have the satisfaction of having truly helped someone even more. Despite his education and status as a doctor…he is vulnerable. He is as out of touch with the outside world as his patients. While they have had the world taken from them by disease, Williams’ character shut the world out to focus on his duty as a healer. This movie is as much about his own awakening as it is his patients’.

THE FISHER KING

The best. The absolute best. Last night, still reeling from the sudden loss…I had the immeasurable joy of introducing my wife to this incredible film. To me, it is practically flawless. A pitch-perfect script. Incredible performances from Williams, Jeff Bridges, Michael Jeter, Mercedes Ruehl and Amanda Plummer…plus Tom Waits in my absolute favorite cameo of all time. To be honest, I thought Bridges got hosed at Oscar time. I thought he should have been nominated alongside…or even instead of…Williams. But don’t let that take away from his incredible performance. Tragic, hilarious, fanciful, deep, wise and naïve…Perry is a character unlike any other. He never plays it like someone who lost their mind after a tragedy…he won’t let it be that simple. Again, the character gives him a chance to do some of his trademark riffing…but it is used so sparingly and perfectly. We know the whole time that there is a reasonable and intelligent person behind Parry’s madness…yet we accept his madness as a lovable character trait…not as a condition. Despite all that he lost to drive him to his life of insanity and homelessness…it is clear how much he has gained from the experience. We know that he will come out on the other side a better person…as if his wife was sacrificed for his own personal growth. We begin to believe in him…and root for him…and are overwhelmingly satisfied when he finds love and gets his grail.

Stunning visuals, powerhouse acting, AMAZING script featuring some of the best dialogue ever recorded (I had to stop myself from talking along with the film last night…too many perfect lines to count)…if you only remember this movie because of the dance in Grand Central or the laying naked in the park…do yourself a giant favor and watch it again. It is as resonant today as it ever was…and remains a towering achievement.

ALADDIN

The Genie is easily the role that captured his style as a comedian most completely. Someone on TV said it best…he is so fast and energetic, he made other actors look slow…not even a camera was fast enough to capture him at full-tilt. It took the magic of animation to keep up with him…and it worked perfectly. By all accounts, he improvised 80% of his dialogue…they just gave him a ballpark and let him run around in it…and it worked to perfection. Never before had there been a visual to match his frantic pace and myriad of characters. Much credit should be given to the incredible song writing as his transitions from monologues to singing were absolutely seamless…and he delivered each song with a comic bravado no one else could have achieved. If you want pure Robin Williams…this is as close as you’ll ever get in a movie.

Along with The Little Mermaid, this movie set the stage for Disney’s triumphant return to being a movie powerhouse…and it rivals Good Morning, Vietnam as the Williams’ film I have seen most often. My step-nieces came to live with us for a while when I was 16. They were 2 and 3 years old and this was their favorite movie. I literally watched at least part of Aladdin every day for 8 months. It remains my favorite Disney film and if you like, call me up sometime and I’ll sing you all the songs.

MRS. DOUBTFIRE

I didn’t fully appreciate this movie until 6 or 7 years after it came out. When I was working on the Disney Magic cruise ship, it played on the closed-circuit onboard movie channel at least twice a day. When it came out, I had dismissed it as too uncool for a teenage boy to want to see…but I was wrong. It is not just a cross-dressing gag reel. The love of his children and the desperation of being a single father play well throughout. He completely loses himself in the Doubtfire character when it’s appropriate…but we also see the struggle of maintaining the illusion and how much it means to him to be near his kids. It’s easy to file it under “Wacky guy does something wacky but learns a lesson” along with dozens of lesser films…but this performance was much more than what was advertised and definitely is worth repeat viewings…maybe just not every damn day. Much like Tootsie, the guy in drag bits serve as a backdrop for a character study of the man behind the makeup. But unlike Dustin Hoffman’s great performance, Mrs. Doubtfire never comes off as a manly woman. We never have that moment of “Oh, come on! How can they not know?” We buy her completely…in fact, even though we know better we forget is is Williams under there…it takes a special talent to pull that off.

THE BIRDCAGE

Originally offered the much juicier role that eventually went to Nathan Lane, it was Williams who lobbied for the part of the straight man…well, not straight man…but straight man…you know what I mean. It is not often that we see him contented to not be the most over-the-top character in the room. He has his moments of silliness (Twyla, twyla, twyla)…but he is actually the anchor of reason in this film. The kids are defiant, Hackman and Weiss are conservative caricatures, Lane is sopping wet and Hank Azaria nearly steals the show…but it’s Williams’ character that makes us believe it’s all real. He grounds the film…which is not something we as an audience and fans of his expected. Just like Bud Abbott and Tom Smothers, it takes a comic genius to set everyone else up for laughs so well.

GOOD WILL HUNTING

There aren’t enough good things to say about this understated performance. He was a smoldering ember the entire film and hid it perfectly. His passive wisdom belied how eager he was to help. A brilliant performance in a top-to-bottom great film. I couldn’t help but feel his role as mentor to Damon’s character transcended into real life. A master at his craft holding court with up and comers. You could tell his character was in pain…but had learned to deal with it…and when he finally convinces Will of the one thing he absolutely needed to know…the scene is nothing short of iconic.

I can’t explain the relief I felt when he finally won his Oscar. After loving Fisher King so much…and knowing he was more deserving than Michael Douglass in ’87…it was like finally exhaling to see him holding a statue. His acceptance speech as everything an acceptance speech should be…short, funny, grateful and emotional. The hug he and Crystal shared spoke volumes…and I think most of us were as happy for him as Billy was.

ONE HOUR PHOTO AND INSOMNIA

I put these two together only because I’ve only seen them each once and I can’t say they “influenced” me…but I can say that it was incredible to see a man who was most often a fountain of joy…or who usually plays a sad clown…become something sinister. Creepy is not a word I would ever use to describe the man (unless he’s sword fighting a scorpion)…but these performances prove it was something he could portray. I remember being struck by both roles and marveling at Williams’ ability. I wouldn’t go so far as to say these parts were “against type” because he had already shown us that he had an incredible range…I mean, he’s obviously not a uni-character like Vince Vaughn…yet we still expected a certain something from all of his performances. A spark that reminds us who we are watching…these roles had none of that. He transformed into something else entirely and did it completely convincingly. Even though we knew he could play all types of different characters…he still found a way to surprise and impress us.

THE CRAZY ONES

I may be in the minority…but I really liked this show. Kat and I didn’t miss an episode. A very capable supporting cast was part of the reason…but mainly the appeal was Williams. Playing someone who made a living being creative and was learning how to do so without the use of alcohol and drugs. It was clear that some of his recollections of his substance abusing days hit close to home. He was open about them and found a way to make them funny. Something he did brilliantly in his later stand-up. I think this character revealed more about him than almost any other. He seemed to be living it rather than acting in it. The highlight of each episode was the blooper reel that would play at the end. It was so obvious that Williams and the entire cast were having a ball. It seems that it would have been easy for him to act as a mentor or wise old comedic patriarch to the rest of the cast…but it never came across that way. He seemed like just one of the gang and it appeared that he was loving it.

As I write this…so many more are occurring to me…Survivors, Best of Times, Dead Again, Jumanji, Baron von Munchausen, Happy Feet, World’s Greatest Dad…not to mention the incredible stand-up specials and the brilliance of his many talk-show appearances. I’m humbled that it took his passing for me to stop and realize how much his career meant to me over the years.

I had no idea that I would miss the man…but it is painfully obvious to me now that I will. I think there is a similar feeling in the hearts of many across the world today. I think the outpouring of grief isn’t from simply losing one of our great talents…but from the sudden, reflective awareness of how much he had given us…whether we realized it or not.